The devastating news that Linkin Park frontman Chester Bennington has taken his own life is particularly hard-hitting to anyone who has had experiences of depression and feelings of self-loathing.
In the past couple of years the discussion of mental health has become much more open and accepting, as more are coming forward to share their stories. I have shared my own experience on here and on my social network pages, although this tragic death has sparked a memory I had in my own dark times.
A couple of years ago I was at the peak of my anxiety, where I had been made redundant from one job and felt I wasn't good enough for my next venture, I really doubted myself. Although I had, and still have, a very loving and close family, I had no friends - only acquaintances - and was attending therapy sessions I felt were going nowhere. I was stuck in a dark hole I thought I'd never get out of.
One question that had been posed to me by my GP, CBT counsellor and therapist quite often was "have you ever had thoughts of taking your own life?" My immediate response would always be no with a slightly nervous laugh to suggest I'd never imagine doing that to myself.
However, in the mindset I was in at the time and how hopeless I felt, it could have been a possibility had something tipped me over the edge so much. I recall one particular evening I have mentioned in the past when Albion played Manchester City first game of the season on a Monday night. I had never felt so sick and overwhelmed in my life and I just wanted it to stop. Even something as trivial as that can feed anxiety or depression.
It scares me to think I had gotten to a stage where I was so unhappy with everything, all accumulated into a night which should have been fun, and for some reason my anxiety chose the moment I was with people I loved, and with people who loved me, to make me feel my worst.
Ever since that night I can't say I'd had that feeling as badly again but i was still feeling pretty worthless. However, my life has been on the up on the whole with me making some very good friends through many means, getting a full time job I enjoy and having a nice connection with the football club I adore.
Our recently departed captain of said football club, Darren Fletcher, played a part in helping me with my progression unwittingly with his story on his debilitating illness. He talked about how he felt when he was suffering and then recovering from ulcerative colitis and how he has become stronger in his fight against it. At the club's end of season supporters club dinner I talked to him at length about how inspirational he had been to me in my own battle.
The fact that mental illness can hit anyone at any time is extremely terrifying. I never thought it would happen to me. But no one should be afraid to talk to someone if they are suffering. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I had even the slightest thought of the worst case scenario eating away at me. But without support I probably wouldn't be where I am now.
IT'S NOT ATTENTION SEEKING. IT'S RAISING AWARENESS.
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