My Anxiety Story...

In the wake of World Mental Health Day and the coverage it had been getting across social media, I have decided to share my own story of battling anxiety in the hope that it will help people understand from a sufferer's perspective how much it affects us.

One quote that stood out to me on #WorldMentalHealthDay was "from the outside looking in, it's hard to understand. From the inside looking out, it's hard to explain." Up until I'd seen that tweet I hadn't found a more fitting way to describe exactly what has been going on in my head the past few years; angry outbursts, floods of tears and fright of leaving the house had gone unexplained.

Where it all started, so I thought...

A cold November morning in 2012 started normally for me. I was waiting to catch the bus into Birmingham City Centre to attend a computer course as I had been for the past three months. I sat in the small compartment behind the bus driver as I usually did, but when we got past the Scott Arms I suddenly felt a wave of nausea overcome me completely. Feeling as though I was going to throw up I hopped out of my seat and pressed the stop button, jumping off just outside The Towers pub. After much heavy breathing and shaking, I waited for the next bus to come along, thankful I'd bought a daysaver!

I got on the bus, this time sitting sitting further back as I put my last episode down to claustrophobia. We went past a mere two stops before I felt severely sick again, so again I got off. I didn't know why but I thought 'third time lucky', to no avail. Eventually I had to call in sick and had to go home.

Originally, I thought it would just be a one-off and I was coming down with a bug or I had eaten something that hadn't agreed with me. That was until I made the same journey with the exact same outcome. Each time I got on the bus I'd feel shaky, nauseous and utterly terrified. I had a short break before Christmas where I stopped attending my course but it came to a point where my mom had to get on the bus with me and stop me from disrupting my journey in the hope that I'd eventually get into Birmingham and I'd be fine.

A few months passed and I finally completed the course. However, in this time, I'd found myself a voluntary admin placement in West Bromwich. I'd originally planned to work two days a week from 9am to 3pm but I was still getting what I now considered panic attacks every morning, so I could only make a couple of hours on a Tuesday and Thursday. The staff I worked with didn't seem to mind though thankfully, as they appreciated my work.

On to April 2013 and I started an apprenticeship in business admin at an office in Sutton Coldfield. Although the role included making numerous phone calls to clients PER DAY, which I was extremely nervous about, I thoroughly enjoyed my job. That said, over the 18 months I worked there I was getting even more anxious, feeling extremely sick and getting emotional to a point where I had too much time off work than was necessary. I liked the people I worked with, I enjoyed the work I was doing, but I felt that it may have been the distance I was travelling and again, I was catching the dreaded bus not once but TWICE going to work and returning home. I started to think I had gained a phobia of getting the bus...

In September 2014, three days after my 21st birthday, I was feeling particularly aggravated and shaky whilst at my desk. What didn't help was that I was having a bad day at work where everything that could go wrong went wrong. I was silently crying at my desk all day but I wouldn't let anyone see. I was on the second week of my notice period after finding myself a job closer to home but that day I felt so down and pathetic I didn't go back to work. I wrote an email to my manager explaining that I was ill with stress but it was far worse than that.

I started my new role in the October as a business support assistant and receptionist. Again, it was a role I loved and the people I worked with were incredible, and some I still keep in touch with to this day. Although the panic attacks and waves of nausea weren't quite as bad as before they were still severe to the extent where I had time off work. There was one morning where I was waiting for the bus (yet again my demon) to work just after New Year where the bus stop was unusually packed with at least 20 people! As I stood in the disorganised queue for around 5 minutes with no sign of the bus arriving I suddenly felt extremely faint, and walked the short journey home, having to explain to my mom that I couldn't physically cope.

Then came the end of January when it all unravelled. I was made redundant from my job and from that moment the tears wouldn't stop. The next day I already had an interview at an accountants just up the road lined up but I felt so disheartened about losing my job without much explanation that I was an emotional wreck even just before I walked into the building. I didn't feel I gave my all in the interview and I felt it wasn't a job I entirely wanted but somehow I got the job anyway. When I was offered the role I just burst into more tears and confused my family when I said I didn't want to accept it with no other eggs in my basket. With much persuasion and reluctancy I took the job.

I lasted a month. Every single morning I woke up to go to work I was in a state of panic and misery. The last couple of days my dad had to drive me and walk me to the front gates of the building and I couldn't walk through them. To passersby I must have looked like a child having a tantrum, but with my state of mind at the time I physically and emotionally felt unable to walk over the threshold onto the premises of my place of work. By mutual consent, to focus on my health, I left.

The day I left that role I was booked into an emergency appointment with my GP, who after being told my state that morning confirmed I suffer with anxiety. Almost two and a half years after first divulging what my symptoms were, we'd gotten to the bottom of it. Only that was the very start.

Over the course of the past couple of years, with only a part time admin role in the family business, I have been given more free time to sort my anxiety out. I have been to see a couple of therapists, which happened to be unsuccessful and have gone through different types of medication. The biggest help for me has been attending home and away games with West Bromwich Albion. I've made some friends for life doing this and, although the travel can sometimes make me feel quite anxious the company I keep helps massively, as well as the supportive group on social media.

I often get asked how come I don't feel anxious when going to matches when I struggle to eat out at a restaurant or go to town to meet my sister and her kids. As mentioned earlier, there are reasons that are so difficult to put into words, but even when I go and watch Albion I don't feel 100%. I feel that I am now finding a way to cope with suffering with anxiety but I am so far away from achieving my goal of getting back into the workplace.

As a side note, not long ago I was clearing out my old year 7 school bag when I found a piece of paper with notes similar to that from my therapy sessions. Maybe I've been suffering much longer than I'd thought...